How to Relate with Each Enneagram Type
In addition to using the Enneagram system for our personal growth, another gift of the Enneagram is that it provides us with insight into how we can relate to people of other types.
Whether at work or in personal relationships, we can cultivate understanding and effective communication with others to achieve more positive and productive outcomes.
This blog will provide you with ways you can practice relating to each Enneagram type. You'll also find ways that you can grow with guidance for your own type!
Type One
In my work with Ones, I often hear frustration when others skip around too much in conversations. It’s not necessarily that they can’t follow, they just want to feel like something is squared away. This is the opposite of some other types, so if you’re in a relationship with one of those types, you’ll both have to stretch a little.
How to Relate with an Enneagram Type One:
→ Don't skip around - Ones like to stay on topic and complete thoughts before jumping into the next thing. Ones get impatient when things are left unfinished, so they prefer completing a conversation before moving on.
→ Say what you mean - Ones think about what they mean before they say it, and they appreciate when others do the same. Miscommunication happens when others are less precise, and Ones don't understand why you'd say something you didn't mean.
Ones Can Grow By:
→ Giving more compliments
→ Asking questions rather than making definitive statements
If you’d like to see what others of your type have to say about this post, you can find it on Instagram right here, and join the conversation!
Type Two
For the last point, “checking in” with yourself might look like pausing to take inventory of your existing commitments, assessing your energy level, or getting curious about your motivations before giving advice. This doesn’t imply turning every “yes” into a “no,” but I’m suggesting that you factor your own needs into the equation.
How to Relate with an Enneagram Type Two:
→ Connect on a personal level first - Twos care about tasks, but they respond to people and are motivated by building positive rapport. A genuine, "how are you?" goes a long way.
→ Ask for their input - Twos see the world through a relational lens, but they can have a wide variety of skills beyond their warm, relational side. Ask for their perspective, and let them know you appreciate them.
Twos Can Grow By:
→ Being forthright with negative feedback
→ Checking in with themselves before helping others or giving advice
If you’d like to see what others of your type have to say about this post, you can find it on Instagram right here, and join the conversation!
Type Three
What does being comfortable with embarrassment have to do with anything? When we re-evaluate where worth comes from, we are less attached to managing others’ opinions of us, so being embarrassed isn’t such a big deal.
How to Relate with an Enneagram Type Three:
→ Connect while doing another activity - Threes often enjoy deep conversations, but when they find it easier to delve into them doing something else. A long walk can be a great way to connect with a Three!
→ Be there when they fail - Threes feel deep shame when they fail to the extent that they hide their failure and their emotional response to it. If a Three shares about their failure with you, extend compassion and kindness. This is the moment they need you most.
Three Can Grow By:
→ Turning toward relationships when life gets tough
→ Becoming more comfortable with feeling embarrassed
If you’d like to see what others of your type have to say about this post, you can find it on Instagram right here, and join the conversation!
Type Four
Letting go of comparison can be a big task. It might feel more feasible to start by noticing when you’re constantly measuring yourself against others. Most Fours are aware that they compare sometimes, but it can be tricky to recognize how often you’re doing it, and how detrimental it is to your well-being.
How to Relate with an Enneagram Type Four:
→ Stay with the emotional reality - Fours don't always have to talk about emotions, but they get impatient with people who avoid emotions. Don't try to fix it or look on the brightside; just stay with the feelings for a little while.
→ Be yourself - Fours can tell if you're being inauthentic. They crave getting to know people on a deeper level, and they expect everyone to be a little different! You can disagree with them and discuss it - They may have a passionate response, but they appreciate a sincere conversation.
Fours Can Grow By:
→ Letting go of comparison
→ Balancing sharing and listening in conversations
If you’d like to see what others of your type have to say about this post, you can find it on Instagram right here, and join the conversation!
Type Five
Differentiating between quiet and solitude can be helpful for Fives in relationships because it allows you to figure out when you can connect via sitting together in silence versus when you really need alone time to recharge.
How to Relate with an Enneagram Type Five:
→ Find a topic of mutual interest - Fives might not enjoy small talk, but they can discuss their interests all day. Even if you haven't found an overlapping interest yet, you can ask questions about a topic they like (but don't pry).
→ Don't fill all the space - Sometimes Fives relate through conversation, but many Fives feel connected when they're just doing an activity they enjoy while in the same room with a loved one. If a Five is knitting while you're reading a book, that can feel connective and relational.
Fives Can Grow By:
→ Telling a friend or partner how you feel connected
→ Differentiating when you need quiet vs. solitude
If you’d like to see what others of your type have to say about this post, you can find it on Instagram right here, and join the conversation!
Type Six
Sixes are often waiting for the other shoe to drop, which leaves them feeling unsettled, especially when good things are happening to them. When Sixes accept the good, they are drawing upon faith and courage, instead of believing their fear. (By the way, many of us do this! This is not a Six-only trait, but it is very common among Sixes.)
How to Relate with an Enneagram Type Six:
→ Be a sounding board - Sixes look at every situation from every imaginable angle. When they're working things out in their minds, they might seem contradictory at times. This is because they're still in process: be patient, talk it through with them if they want, and let them come to a conclusion in time.
→ Stay in touch - Sixes care deeply about their relationships, and they appreciate when loved ones are consistent and responsive.
Sixes Can Grow By:
→ Recognizing when you're being contrarian because you're afraid
→ Accepting the good in life
If you’d like to see what others of your type have to say about this post, you can find it on Instagram right here, and join the conversation!
Type Seven
I didn’t include this above, but Sevens like to stay positive, and they feel drained when others dwell on the negatives. Of course, it’s helpful for all of us to get comfortable with the full spectrum of emotions, but I also like relating with Sevens by being positive because it’s a skill I need to practice! And Sevens are great role models to help us learn.
How to Relate with an Enneagram Type Seven:
→ Let them brainstorm - Sevens move quickly from idea to idea. Others sometimes want to bring things "back on track," but this way of thinking feels natural and "on track" for the Seven. Sevens can be practical, too, but they also need time to let their minds wander.
→ Bring an open mind - Sevens see life as full of choices: if they don't like their situation, they change it or find a way to accept it. They enjoy being with others who are open to seeing difficult situations from a new perspective.
Sevens Can Grow By:
→ Being present in your conversations to make your loved ones feel heard
→ Staying with a challenging emotion just a little longer
If you’d like to see what others of your type have to say about this post, you can find it on Instagram right here, and join the conversation!
Type Eight
Gender is a factor for all types, but I especially see point 2 (don’t let issues fester) with women who are Eights. So many of these women hear they are intimidating or unapproachable, and that can feel alienating when they deeply care and never intend to intimidate their loved ones.
How to Relate with an Enneagram Type Eight:
→ Be yourself - Eights enjoy people who are true to themselves, and they can tell when others are shifting who they are to appease them. Be honest, and know that having a different opinion is not a dealbreaker for an Eight.
→ Don't let issues fester - Eights are sensitive to betrayal, and hearing that a friend has been harboring a secret hurt can destroy trust in a relationship. It can be challenging to surface conflict, but trust that your Eight wants to love and support you.
Eights Can Grow By:
→ Recognizing emotions beneath anger
→ Asking, "Do you want help fixing this, or do you want me to just listen?"
If you’d like to see what others of your type have to say about this post, you can find it on Instagram right here, and join the conversation!
Type Nine
I hear so many Nines say that very few people know how worried, concerned, or anxious they are beneath the surface. Most often, Nines say they are anxious about feeling left out or feeling like they don’t matter, but they force themselves to bury it. Nines are known for being easygoing, but sometimes they don’t feel that way.
How to Relate with an Enneagram Type Nine:
→ Spend time together - Most Nines aren't as concerned with what you do together, as long as you're together. It's nice to ask them for input, but trust them if they say they're fine with a relaxed night in, nothing fancy.
→ Encourage their growth - When Nines start to speak up more, it can be uncomfortable for others around them, which is confusing for the Nine! If a Nine is speaking up and sharing, listen to their perspective, and encourage them to keep it up.
Nines Can Grow By:
→ Being honest with yourself when the answer is "no"
→ Sharing your inner thoughts, like worries or anxieties
If you’d like to see what others of your type have to say about this post, you can find it on Instagram right here, and join the conversation!
In my upcoming book, Enneagram in Real Life, you’ll find a full section on communication and relationships, featuring even more ways to relate with other types!
