Most of us interact with stressors in our lives in various ways. On a given day, we might express unhealthy AND healthy responses to a challenging situation - the same is true with break-ups!

Often, the less healthy response isn't as much a reflection of your own personal level of health (though it can be), but it's more often an expression of what happens in your mind when you're not paying attention. This response can be free-flowing (and sometimes stereotypical). When you wake up and pay attention, you're more likely to integrate a supportive response to your pain.

You do not have to be 100% healthy all the time to still be growing - that would be exhausting! Growth begins with simply noticing the unhealthy responses and reaching out when you need support. 🌿

This is an older post, but we wanted to bring it back because it fits so well with Episode 15 of our Podcast, Breakups, Healing, & Grief as an Enneagram 2 with @ginagomez.co . We'll be sharing more of this episode today!

You can find what other people of your type have to say about this post here.

Navigating a Breakup as an Enneagram One

COMMON PATTERNS

my inner critic takes over, and I feel like my ability to maintain a relationship is a reflection of who I am and my personal worth; I take on all the responsibility for how the relationship fell apart

I CAN SUPPORT MYSELF BY...

allowing myself to feel how I feel, letting it out by journaling, and remembering to see beauty in the little things in the midst of my grief

WHAT MIGHT HELP

spending time with family or loved ones who can speak truth and love into my mind (rather than solely listening to the critic); leaning on their words a bit until I can affirm myself again

Navigating a Breakup as an Enneagram Two

COMMON PATTERNS

I care so deeply about the other person that I cause more pain for myself (by delaying the breakup, remaining friends, or making sure they’re okay at my own expense), and I seek affirmation because relational failure can feel devastating

I CAN SUPPORT MYSELF BY...

Reach out just to check in. Connect relationally & have a good laugh.

WHAT MIGHT HELP

being with others who don’t require my help. When I find my self-worth in who I am (rather than what I give), I can find true growth

Navigating a Breakup as an Enneagram Three

COMMON PATTERNS

I throw myself into new activities to numb my broken heart; I might become paranoid about seeming like a failure because the relationship ended, especially if it wasn’t my choice

I CAN SUPPORT MYSELF BY...

being patient with myself as I learn this new normal & taking time to feel okay again; remembering my worth is not attached to this relationship, my image, or my output

WHAT MIGHT HELP

having a great support system and asking for help when I need it (this is really hard for me, but when I’m healthy, I know I need to reach out rather than doing everything myself)

Navigating a Breakup as an Enneagram Four

COMMON PATTERNS

I become nostalgic about only the good parts of the relationship, and I reminisce about how things could have or should have been if only it hadn’t ended

I CAN SUPPORT MYSELF BY...

distancing myself and being realistic about the way things were; when I catch myself wanting to reach out to them, I can write it in my journal instead

WHAT MIGHT HELP

staying engaged with friends who love me for who I really am in all my feelings – friends who encourage me to have fun and be active and allow me to cry when I need it

Navigating a Breakup as an Enneagram Five

COMMON PATTERNS

I spend hours thinking about how it got to the end & consider it all my fault; sometimes I detach from my feelings and analyze what went wrong as if it’s a puzzle, not a relationship between humans

I CAN SUPPORT MYSELF BY...

letting go of trying to explain it all and accepting what has happened; spending time in reflection; finding contentment in who I am & the life I’ve built

WHAT MIGHT HELP

remembering that time is my friend in this process and that some things cannot be explained; using my creativity (in any sense) to express how I’m feeling when I don’t have the words

Navigating a Breakup as an Enneagram Six

COMMON PATTERNS

my mind runs wild with every single possibility of how I could have done things differently or what signs I missed that things were starting to go wrong; I start to think, “I knew I shouldn’t have trusted them…”

I CAN SUPPORT MYSELF BY...

reminding myself I’m not responsible for their happiness and they are not responsible for mine; reminding myself that I am still capable of love even if this relationship didn’t work out

WHAT MIGHT HELP

spending time with my trusted loved ones and finding my foundation again; reading self-help books or daily self-affirmations so that I can remember there is nothing wrong with me and I am lovable, worth it, and enough

Navigating a Breakup as an Enneagram Seven

COMMON PATTERNS

I overdo everything to avoid feeling the pain (work, drinking, eating, fun, etc) and then I either withdraw and repress my feelings or potentially find a rebound

I CAN SUPPORT MYSELF BY...

sitting in the feelings and actually feeling the pain of the moment - it sucks, but it’s the only way I can truly move forward; reminding myself “the only way out is through”

WHAT MIGHT HELP

being with people who let me be who I am in this season (happy and sad) and finding the time to self-reflect and be open to what that might mean for who I am and who I’m becoming

Navigating a Breakup as an Enneagram Eight

COMMON PATTERNS

I try to resist or control the situation and my experience of it; once it happens, I feel so angry and I throw myself into other things so I don’t have to acknowledge that I gave someone else power to impact my emotions

I CAN SUPPORT MYSELF BY...

giving myself more than one day to be sad and remembering that closing myself off from the tenderness of this moment isn’t the way to protect myself

WHAT MIGHT HELP

reaching out to trusted friends and loved ones who remind me that I am human and being impacted by others is part of being alive

Navigating a Breakup as an Enneagram Nine

COMMON PATTERNS

I delay the breakup so long that it’s actually a relief when it ends; then I resort to sleeping, vegging out, or doing literally anything else to avoid feeling my feelings

I CAN SUPPORT MYSELF BY...

spending time in self-reflection and sorting through the ways I merged with them; asking myself how I’ve grown vs. what I picked up in the relationship that isn’t truly “me”

WHAT MIGHT HELP

giving myself time to feel like myself again; spending time with friends who let me be who I really am, even if that’s somewhat in flux right now

What would you add to your type? Let me know here on Instagram.

Want to explore more about the Enneagram and how to apply the Enneagram to your everyday life? My book, Enneagram in Real Life, provides you with a step-by-step guide to use the Enneagram as a practical tool for self-discovery, self-awareness, curiosity, and relational wholeness.